After an extensive discussion with the president of the United States Virgin Islands yesterday, the president of the US Virgin Islands didn’t hold back in revealing he was vastly disappointed in the president of the USVIs.
“That man is rude,” Donald Trump said in a press conference immediately following his extremely private meeting with the president. “He was abrupt. He used lots of small words. And short sentences. I no likey. Bad man. No help. Say thank you.”
As Trump’s aides exchanged glances in the background, employing rudimentary sign language to silently ask one another if the president had received his medication for the day (or possibly making plans to meet for multiple tequila shots immediately following the presser) the president continued his dressing down of the hapless president.
“He struck me as uncomfortable in his own skin. Easily distracted. Did you guys see the new Bladerunner? I should have been in it. Too artsy for me though. So anyway the Virgin president – can’t call me that right? Haha. What’s that Hope? Stop interrupting – the Virgin guy says, midway through our chat, that we need to hurry things up because Fox and Friends is about to come on. I mean, the guy is in the middle of dealing with an unprecedented emergency in his own territory, and he wants to watch a TV show? Give me a break. Who elected this clown? I don’t know much about it but there must have been some outside assistance or something. Someone should really investigate that.”
100% of US Virgin Islanders interviewed in the streets of Charlotte Amalie agreed with the assessment by the president of the USVI that the president of the USVI is an asshat.
“Yeah, he’s a total tool,” said one resident of St. Thomas, as he took a break from rebuilding his life to respond to the mind-numbing debacle of a president who doesn’t know what he is the president of.
“And what’s worse is we didn’t even get to vote for or against [Trump]. And so, just as with the hurricane itself, we islanders are left to pick up the pieces in the wake of not one, but two disastrous occurrences not of our choosing. Both of which are incapable of empathy, basic humanity, or even knowing their own damn selves.”