Life

94% Of Canadians Admit Their Retirement Plans Rest On A Pet Becoming A Viral Sensation

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As more and more Canadians sacrifice their savings for unusable Air Miles points and mortgages they intend to bequeath to their children, business analysts have noticed a novel – if disturbing – trend appearing in the hard data surrounding retirement plans in this country: the majority of them require a photogenic pet.

“94 out of 100 Canadians who haven’t already spent all of the money they will ever earn in their lifetimes, indicated that their retirement security rests entirely on investing what little they have saved in an HD webcam and securing the domain rights to an adorable alliteration of their favourite pet’s name,” confirmed Shiela Rogers, lead surveyor for Ipsos Facto, the venerable Canadian research firm.

Reached for comment, the entire Bank of Canada repeatedly banged their collective heads against the wall.  

“C’mon Flopsy, get the ball,” says Wilbur Smith, of Smoke Hills, Nova Scotia, after inviting an Out And Abouter investigative team over to watch him prepare for his pending retirement.

“There’s a good girl. Get the ball. No, don’t lie down. Get the effing ball. Do you want to starve? Live on the streets of Halifax? Donate a kidney? I’m turning 65 next year, you goddamned mongrel. Get the ball. Shit. Stop the camera.”

While solid numbers are hard to come by, with fewer than two Canadians making more than $100 a year from proceeds earned by sharing videos of their cheeky pets in 2015 – the last year anyone bothered to check – many in our government are concerned that the nation may well be headed for a crisis. 

“Clearly we are going to need more cute pets,” says Minister of Finance and Forcing People To Consider The Future, Bill Morneau, when asked his thoughts on the development. “My own research shows baby seals are trending right now, and videos of moose calves eating people’s marigolds are receiving particularly robust metrics on Youtube. The real trick, as I see it, is how to merchandise something like that. But I trust in Canadian ingenuity to come up with a workable model that will last them through retirement.”  

 

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