Following a closed-door, hastily adjourned emergency meeting today, Justin Trudeau and Theresa May emerged looking worn but determined and announced that their two nations had collectively agreed to assign to Donald Trump the rarely-used, official appellation of: Bloody Idiot.
“It is with heavy hearts that we make this announcement,” said Justin Trudeau, as Theresa May quietly muttered the newly-minted sobriquet under her breath while nodding her head in obvious satisfaction. “But despite repeated warnings from both our administrations to the White House – and considerable efforts to pretend the man is otherwise – after the events of the last few days we are left with no choice but to use the most accurate title we have available for the current president of the United States.”
Not since 1937, when then prime ministers Neville Chamberlain (UK), and William Lyon My Name Is Better And Longer Than All The Names Mackenzie King (Canada) met in Liverpool to announce that Benito Mussolini was a ‘Bit Of A Dick,’ have the leaders of these two countries had to implement so drastic an action. But, in the words of Theresa May, “Mate, ‘e ‘ad it comin’.”
The announcement, arriving directly on the heels of Trump’s prezsplaining the United Kingdom’s crime rate to the United Kingdom, was met with an ominous, tightly worded response from the Trump administration. Delivered by folded paper airplane and written in crayon – Crayola’s fuzzy-wuzzy brown, according to experts familiar with the devolving situation – the message was brutal in its directness:
“I know you are but what am I?”
Thankfully after a hushed conference with their aides, Trudeau and May were both immediately able to confirm they had added a ‘no bounce-backs’ clause, thus averting a major loss of face on the international stage.
“And if I may add,” added Theresa May, “As many of you may well be aware, this is not in fact the most denigratory title we can use to denote the leader of a foreign power.” The room fell silent as reporters realized what the British PM was alluding to. From the back someone whispered the feared British insult.
“That’s correct. A Barmy Cockwallop.” A loud shout of triumphant laughter erupted, which May stoically attempted to speak over while maintaining a straight face. “Let us all fervently hope it doesn’t….don’t want to call the leader…last superpower….” before she finally gave up, and looking to Trudeau, mouthed the words ‘Barmy Cockwallop’ and raised her eyebrows as if to say: the people have spoken.