Shortly after sunset this evening, at approximately 6:10 PM Central Daylight Time, Jared Kushner was apprehended by the Canadian Border Hedge Services Agency attempting to mount the forty-foot shrubbery that now separates Canada from Donald Trump’s clammy, hairless, florid, almost porcine, hands.
“I’m innocent eh?” Mr. Kushner is reported to have claimed, as the spotlight of the routine patrol isolated the hapless dickhead-in-law to the world’s most powerful imbecile, less than a foot off the ground along a stretch of the hedge in southern Manitoba. “Take off you hosers, I’m just taking a leak between periods eh. Good game so far didjasee? How was that snapshot by Mark Messier? Hoo boy. Hey, have you gotta Du Maurier? Left mine at the rink earlier. And howsabout turning off that light eh?”
The border patrol said it didn’t take too long to work out that Mr. Kushner was attempting to evade his inevitable arrest by the Mueller investigation in Washington, and had clearly watched way too much Canadian Bacon.
“You’d think these guys don’t get cable,” said one hedger (as the border agency’s first repulsers refer to themselves) discussing the odd fascination many Americans have with over-playing Canadian stereotypes in an effort to blend in. “We had a guy in here last week who’d knocked all his front teeth out before trying to sneak across the border, because he’d heard that was some sort of a Canadian hockey thing. Just bleeding all over the place. Had at least six polar bears following him. Lucky to survive. Especially carrying all that maple syrup and cheese curd.”
The agency credits the now-formidable stature of the Canadian Privacy Hedge, which – while only planted earlier this year in response to the iridescent pinnacle of human wretchedness reaching the oval office – has now grown to become the longest continuous bush in existence.
“Who knew? Cherry Laurel, ” says one officer, shaking his head as he looks out a dark window towards the nearby border. “Lucky damn guess really. We just put in what Canadian Tire had the most leftover of at the end of last season, and before you know it boom: no more staring at the one-man tire fire. Just a nice expanse of greenery stretching as far as the eye can see. And the deer won’t touch it. He shoots he scores eh.”
While the exact timeline of how Mr. Kushner’s fate will play out following his apprehension remains to be seen, the eventuality is certain: he will be welcomed with open arms, given a chance to rebuild, and forgiven, as part of Canada’s ongoing attempt to go high when they go low.
“He says he hopes to one day bring Ivanka and the kids here,” reports Mr. Kushner’s immigration lawyer. “To help tend the huskies; keep the igloo from melting when global warming eradicates winter; and try to build the best, cheapest airplanes out there, y’know? Just like every other Canadian, really. And it’s my personal feeling that we should let him get his stick on the ice.”