“Hey Timmy, did you hear about the No Shit Papers?” The gas station attendant asks a tow truck driver just coming off of a fourteen hour shift, gesturing at a stack of freshly arrived newspapers sitting at the front of the kiosk with those same words emblazoned, above the fold, in stark black letters. Ones that fairly screamed in the early morning light.
The truck driver admits he has not.
“Like the Panama Papers, or the Paradise Papers. You heard about those right?”
“Sure. An unprecedented leak of millions of documents implicating many of the world’s wealthiest people in tax avoidance and money laundering. I’m up on that.”
“Right,” the Esso worker says, sliding a receipt across the counter, and putting Timmy’s Sriracha beef jerky, box of Tic Tacs, and a carton of milk into a bag. “Well, the No Shit Papers are like those except there aren’t any papers.”
Timmy holds up a large hand. “Let me guess. It’s about just looking the fuck around? No shit.”
The gas guy arches an eyebrow, and the men exchange a knowing nod.
Like these two, millions of Canadians awoke yesterday to the not-new news that the wealthy of this nation have access to litigators, loopholes, and le sucre de la terre that the middle and lower classes are so far removed from that many do not even know they exist.
“This latest document leak consists primarily of everyone just acknowledging the blindingly obvious,” says Jim Allen, lead strategist for the Canadian anti-poverty coalition GTFO (an unsubtle acronym intended to reference their stated position on the incumbency of wealth, and how appropriate they think it is that the powerful in this nation are charged with making laws that directly affect the powerful).
“Except in this case there aren’t any documents, or billion data-point leaks. At this stage all that’s needed are the basic observational skills required to see that the wealthy and powerful in this nation happen to be in a position of influence over how their own affairs are treated by the laws of this land, and also happen to be taking advantage of this.”
Here Mr. Allen references an in-depth, multigenerational, double-blind study of the DNA of some of Canada’s most notable families that would seem to back his view up – providing as it does the startling revelation that all of those observed are in fact: human.
“The study concluded that the wealthy subjects – randomly sampled from the Rothschilds, Trudeaus, and Mulroneys – aren’t particularly smarter, more adept, or in any way genetically predisposed to rise to positions of rare and significant power. With that out of the way, it’s pretty clear there’s only one way this heirloom influence is getting passed around: directly, using as many tax loopholes, mutual contacts, money-hiding schemes, and shades of nepotism those at the top can find to keep themselves and they families on top. Tactics that are, of course, completely beyond the reach of the average Canadian.
“It’s safe to say,” Mr. Allen says, wrapping up his poorly supported but patently obvious lecture, “That not only are wealthy Canadians not playing on an even field, they aren’t even playing. They’re up in the owner’s boxes high above the pitch, talking shop, name dropping, and counting the ticket sales before leaving midway through the game because they have a plane to catch. And you don’t need any papers or leaked spreadsheets to tell you that. Just look the fuck around you.”