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Blip In Data At Large Hadron Collider May Have Been ‘The Time’ To Talk About US Gun Control


As millions of Americans slept soundly – with guns nestled comfortingly beneath their pillows, at their feet, taped to the door, racked in cars, and strategically placed in cereal boxes in their kitchens – in the early hours of this morning “The Time” to talk about gun control is believed to have departed the continental United States at ten times the speed of light, gone from this planet before logic and reason even had a chance to get its pants on. 

Resonating at too deep a level of basic fucking sense to be detected by a substantial fraction of the citizens of the world’s most affluent nation, the passing moment might have slipped out into the vacuum of space unnoticed had it not been for the Large Hadron Collider, which by sheer coincidence happened to be listening for “A Theoretical Break In The Hyperbole Around Guns In The US.” 

“It’s an experiment we’ve been running for almost exactly a year now,” says Pierre Lapresse, current director of the largest, most complex machine ever created by man, though many experts say a simple abacus could just as easily have told you now is the time to talk about gun control. “Every time there’s a mass shooting in the United States we commence firing positively-charged logic at the sensors, colliding them with asinine obstinance, antiquated thinking, and an overtly macho culture – this is done to replicate the current political climate in the United States. We do this thousands of times a second, hoping to find an anomaly in the data that might represent the exact moment at which it is actually time to discuss making positive changes in a debate that drags on while lives continue to be lost. Frustratingly, until this morning we had come up empty, mostly just getting a steady stream of background static we’d dubbed ‘Thoughts and Prayers.'”

But with exactly 19 minutes left in the ninth hour (UTC) of the first Friday since America’s latest horrific, senseless, and completely avoidable shooting, a blip appeared in the read-out from the Altas detector (one of two all-purpose sensors in the LHC that sniff the universe for basic common sense). 

“I knew right away it was The Time,” says Lapresse, looking intensely over his stylish wireframe glasses at a visiting reporter. “The data doesn’t lie. People, yes, they lie. Especially people financially motivated by a deep-pocketed lobbying interest like the NRA. They’ll tell you things like there is no such time. That this is a mental health problem, which interestingly enough they also have no solution for. But the data doesn’t lie. There was a time. This one passed, but at least we have proof it existed. And sadly, tragically, horrendously, but surely: it will come again.”

Few in the US were awake when the news alert appeared on their phones at 4:41 AM EST, informing them of the breaking news out of Europe. And when they opened the notification the attached article stated that unfortunately they had already missed the precise moment logic had passed between American’s and their guns. 

“I think I felt it,” says Marge Mckenzie of Grand Rapids, Michigan, a light sleeper and understandably concerned citizen about the easy availability of weapons of war to a nation capable of electing Donald Trump. “I even woke my husband up to ask if he’d felt it too. He told me to go back to sleep, and said that it was probably just something about gun control passing in the night. And, sadly, it turns out he was right.”

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