In the clearest evidence of Russian interference yet, People magazine today announced that Blake Shelton is the sexiest man currently drawing breath in this dimension.
“It’s like they aren’t even trying to hide it anymore,” said Robert Mueller, taking a rare browse through the entertainment section of the morning paper, before continuing on with the slow process of convincing Trump supporters that their president was Russia’s idea of a great idea.
“I have potted plants with more charisma than this bobble-head,” the former head of the FBI said, shaking his head at Shelton’s grinning mug looking back at him from the newspaper. “Add People magazine to the ‘compromised’ list. There’s no way this shit went down without the involvement of Fancy Bear. I mean look at this goober. Ok, back to work. Someone put it on the board…today we’re fighting for Idris Elba.”