Life

Experts Agree Mama Said There’d Be Days Like These, But Deduct Points For Hiding How Many


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“Five out of ten,” says life coach George Strombouloupoulos, reflecting on the legacy Canada’s mamas left us all, with their timely but ultimately incomplete advice regarding the nature of the days we had coming.

“And that’s just because I love my mom,” Strombo adds, his perennially sad eyes roaming an unseen horizon as he considers all of the heavy rain that perchances to fall in a life. “Because frankly the pertinent information isn’t that there are going to be days like these. It’s the fact they can come at you in blocks of years at a time.”

George’s public ruminations come hard on the heels of an announcement from the Canadian Ministry of Truism Renewals, in which the board of eleven active members voted 6-5 to discontinue their endorsement of the common catchphrase (and popular song lyric) for the first time since it first hit the radio in 1961. 

“After an extensive debate that was as lengthy as it was heated, the board has decided that due to the insufficient, and potentially misleading, nature of the statement ‘There will be days like these,’ we can not in good conscience renew the permit for this being a formally recognized ‘Known Fact,’ as outlined in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms and Resonating Lyrics.” 

The doubt now being cast on the go-to phrase (which experts estimate is repeated 1-2 million times every day in Canada, and reaches as high as 37 million repetitions on Mondays in February) is expected to lead to sweeping changes across the nation. Millions of coffee mugs have been recalled, thousands of throw cushions are having their embroidered messages unpicked, and a spa in eastern Toronto is now reconsidering the name of a self-care package they offer on the first Wednesday of every month.

“You know, I get why they did it,” says the spa owner, Doris Delaney, reached for comment on the shift in public perceptions of what mama told us versus what she should have. “Our mother’s were just trying to shield us from the grinding, insatiable, horrifyingly bleak maw of existence, but at the same time wanted warn us that life isn’t going to be all shovelled sidewalks and Starbucks gift cards. Let’s be honest, ‘Mama told me there’d be lives like these,’ doesn’t really leave a whole lot of room for optimism now does it? But that being said, I agree with George. Mama shoulda told the whole story.”

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