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Immediately After Forgetting To Check Himself, Area Man Predictably Wrecks Himself

icecube

Ice Cube, reacting to the news that some guy named Jim called his wife ‘dude’.

As every Canadian knows, you ignore the words of legendary actor Ice Cube at your own piggity-peril. But yet many do so every day, suffering the entirely predictable consequences of wrecking themselves on the well-marked shores of common-sense, by simply neglecting to check themselves before proceeding. Just ask Toronto-area man Tim Spelushi, who clearly forgot the timeless rhyming refrain this morning when he absent-mindedly called his wife ‘dude’.

“I knew right away that I was in significant trouble,” Tim says, recounting his story from the undisclosed location he is basing himself out of while looking for a new apartment that’s not too far from work. 

“You can always tell when my wife, I mean ex, shit, sorry, thats going to take awhile, when her eyes go red and you catch a strong whiff of sulphur, you know you want to start walking back whatever you just said. I once stated I like mustard, which is verifiably untrue, just because we still had three hours left in a drive to Montreal. The fuck was I supposed to do?”

That being said, Mr. Spelushi is quick to admit that “in hindsight, dude was an especially foolhardy choice of terminology to address the, now former, object of my affections with. I do wish I had checked myself on that one. It would have saved me the rather dramatic wrecking of myself you now see before you.” As Jim says this he gestures expansively around the phone booth attached to the Esso on the corner of Bathurst and Dupont. The one we weren’t supposed to tell you is his current Base Of Operations. 

“It isn’t like I haven’t listened to the The Predator album an average of once a day since 1992. I regularly repeat that exact rhyming couplet as a way of warning people that they are approaching structurally unsafe ground with me. But did I listen to my own advice? No. I guess it just goes to show, we’re all just one little ‘dude’ away from being out on the streets.”

Jim sighs. He shrugs. He shoulders his Goodlife Fitness bag, containing what remains of his personal possessions, and puts his headphones in. He presses play on the song he wishes he had heard at 7:47 this morning, but didn’t, and off he heads. Approaching the busy intersection, he is about to step out into traffic when he pauses and looks both ways, saving him from being annihilated by a TTC bus. He looks over his shoulder, grins, and mouths the words.

“Chiggity check yoself. Before you riggity wreck yoself.”

 

Photo: Dan Tuffs, Getty Images

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