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Scheer Accused Of Trying To Bribe Harjit Sajjan Into Revealing How To Grow A Moustache

Sajjan Scheer
In a follicle-quivering moment in parliament today, Harjit Sajjan, the Minister of National Defence – and Canada’s reigning Chin Bristles champion of six years running – rose and dropped a metaphorical shaving-cream grenade in the middle of the house. 

“If it pleases the speaker, and even if it doesn’t, there’s something I need to get off my Vandyke.” The MP from Vancouver South said, before looking down for strength, and then staring straight across the aisle at a suddenly very uncomfortable-looking Andrew Scheer. 

“In late October of this year, with Movember mere days away, the MP from Regina-Qu’Appelle, Andrew Scheer, did approach me in a most unsavoury manner, complimenting me on my beard and saying he wished it was on his chin.” Harjit said, before the upwelling of emotion at the recollection forced him to pause. It was then that the steadying hand of PM JT came to firmly rest on one broad shoulder of the former soldier, encouraging the veteran of three tours of duty in Afghanistan, and one in Bosnia and Herzegovina, to press forward. 

“Initially,” Mr. Sajjan eventually continued, stroking his chin for reassurance, “I was uncertain if he meant that he wanted a beard like mine, or – more disturbingly – wanted my beard on his chin while it was still attached to me. I am still not Scheer. You heard me. I’m not Scheer about anything anymore, not since that man,” Harjit pointed at Honourable Andy, who continued to look down, seemingly unable to take his eyes off the intricate inlay of the House carpet, “Attempted to bribe me into revealing how to grow a beard, telling me that if the Conservatives won the next federal election he would make me the Minister of National Defence.”

The House descended into abject chaos at that point, with much shouting, throwing of papers, leaping onto desks, and unheeded calls to come to order, as all present rose to either protest the wild allegations, or proclaim the blatant likelihood that they were well-founded. 

“Absurd, Mr. Speaker!” Shouted Garnett Genius, another baby-faced MP from the prairies who changes his razor blade every Feb. 29th. “Why would Andrew Scheer bribe Mr. Sajjan with a position he already holds?”

Attempting to restore order, Speaker Geoff Regan asked Mr. Sajjan to address this logical conundrum.

“He said I would be a lot busier under him.” Harjit responded, again transforming the usually staid room into a howling echo chamber of accusations and recriminations, which the assembly proved unable to be pulled out of and eventually lead to an adjournment until tomorrow. 

In an attempt to address the accusations, Scheer released a hastily-worded statement before disappearing into his office to receive his daily facial of chia pet. 

“I have not now, nor have I ever, lusted after another man’s beard. I am completely faithful to my face, and my well-moisturized cheeks know this. While it is true that my chin and I have been trying for many years to produce a beard, this is a matter between me, my jawline, and the Lord in heaven above who in his manifest wisdom has yet to bless us with visible growth. For now we wait patiently. My chin and I ask you to respect our privacy at this difficult time.” 

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