As provincial courts across Canada begin to handing out prison sentences to those who threaten the Prime Minister online in disjointed sentences rife with poor grammar, misplaced anger, and flagrant abuses of the woefully misunderstood ellipses, the benefits to everyone else continue to add up in a downright festive pile of wins.
“I’ve never seen the roads like this,” says Janine Sybillity of Windsor, Ontario, sighing happily as she steams along a snowy, but extremely empty, section of the 401. “Not only are there a lot fewer cars on the road than usual, but so far today I’ve counted a grand total of zero assholes.” As she says this she waves merrily to a kind person who let her merge without flipping her the bird. “Isn’t that weird?”
Faster line-ups in grocery stores, fewer bar fights, more appointments available for getting your winter tires put on, and seat sales on all flights to Alberta, are just a few of the many upsides to the RCMP’s recent crackdown on those who somehow got the idea that being criminally abusive online wouldn’t lead to criminal charges IRL. Their bad.
“It’s not so much that we think any of these angry commenters have the wherewithal to actually put together a functional plan to harm me,” said the Prime Minister candidly while reading today’s newspapers in his pyjamas, “After all, most of them seem to be having a hard enough time making child support. It’s more that online abuse – of me, of women, of racial minorities and indigenous peoples, of pretty much everyone except for people’s own mothers, and in some cases even them – has gotten absolutely ridic. Where Canada was once a respectful nation that prided itself on being polite, we are now being overrun by a seemingly illiterate throng of anger-merchants. And I think much of this nation is aghast at the vitriol and violence that has lately been invading our newsfeeds. So we’re going to be pushing back.”
‘After all,” the PM says, getting up from the table and folding his newspaper smartly before readjusting his bathrobe for modesty’s sake. “If we wanted to live in the United States we would. And now, more than ever, who would want to do that?”