News

World Applauds As Alabama Narrowly Votes To Not Shoot Self In Face

Alabama Senate

Roy Moore, seen here regretting everything but lacking the fortitude to admit that.

“Bravo,” the French said, as they broke croissants, smoked cigarettes cooler than you can, and collectively fantasized about how great things would have been if they had won the war (any of them, just choose). 

“Bravissimo,” said the Italians, driving very quickly while giving zero shits about that or your feelings on anything else for that matter, ciao. 

“Bloody too right mate,” said an Aussie, who prefers to be referred to as an AussieAussieAussie, and wants you to know he doesn’t know much about American politics, but does know that “that Trump shore is a bitofa facking’ wanker ain’t ‘e?”

“Bit cold out today sorry,” said the Canadians to themselves, “But hey, did you see Alabama decided to not shoot themselves in the face? And by almost a whole 2%! What a great bunch.”

As the world awoke to the news this morning that Alabama, after a long and tumultuous campaign, had done the right thing and not elected a derailed chemical train to the United States senate, the response was as immediate as it was unanimous:

“Well thank fuck for that. If the bar was set any lower you’d have had to dig to find it, but well done getting over that trip hazard Alabama. Thank god you reluctantly allowed black people to vote, or it looks like you could have made a real balls-up there huh?”

For their part, buoyed by this clear(ish) victory for progress, Alabama now plans to move quickly on to tackling some of the thornier issues facing the state, with a referendum expected immediately on whether jumping head first off of roofs is likely to stunt your growth, followed by an in-depth study into whether ‘i’ does indeed come before ‘e’ except after ‘c,’ and when sounding like ‘eh,’ as in neighbour or weigh. 

Depending on the results from those major initiatives, the usually right-leaning southern enclave has stated that they will then assess the electorate’s appetite for taking on the longest standing and most controversial issue of the states’s tumultuous past: whether it’s still illegal to marry your sister if she says yes.

But these heavy issues will be weighed in the new year of 2018, which dawns full of something that resembles hope, albeit alongside significant confusion – both within the state and without – as to what 650,000 Alabamans were thinking yesterday when they cast a vote for Roy ‘Gimme a Fucking Break Are You Serious’ Moore. For today though, the state basked in the echoing applause of a global slow clap. A very specific clap, aimed at precisely 49.9% of those who cast a vote yesterday. 

 

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