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Trump Still Won’t Rule Out Tariffs On Presents Originating From The North Pole


Saying the Santa Free Trade Agreement (SAFTA) is ‘terrible’ and ‘the worst deal ever,’ Donald Trump today doubled down on earlier threats to blockade the North Pole this coming Christmas, calling for a freeze of the icy region’s single biggest exporter: Santa Claus.

“Many of these supposedly free presents are being made overseas,” Trump said during an early morning press conference which ranged in subject matter from his abiding hatred for small white bunnies, to whether Chicago mix is violent enough to deserve its namesake. But always came back to the big question of the day: Will Santa be allowed across the border on Christmas Eve?

“That’s up to Red Rocket Man,” the president said, pausing for chuckles that never came. “If he insists on continuing this one-sided trade relation, in which we accept foreign made products flooding our market and robbing this great nation of our rightful ability to tax everything within an inch of its value, then he’s going to have a long chat with a member of our border services agency. America can make crap-you-don’t-really-need better than anyone. We invented it in fact. So I say, bring making plastic junk back to America. And until that happens, if Red Rocket Man is listening, he’s on my naughty list.”

International trade experts who have reviewed the longstanding Christmas Accord, say they aren’t quite sure what the president is getting at.

“The agreement is extremely simple,” says Tim Freeman, author of WTF: World Trade Fallacies. “It offers free presents for everyone, everywhere. No odd amendments, no hidden mechanisms. There’s only one Claus in the entire thing, and he’s a jovial old man who volunteers his time.”

The hardline stance is expected to drop the US president’s approval rating into negative figures, and further undermine his credibility as a table lamp, much less leader of the world’s largest economic power. 

While extremely busy, Santa did issue a brief statement on the unprecedented stand-off.

“I’ve delivered presents in two world wars and uncountable civil conflicts. I’ve piloted my sleigh past NORAD defence systems and through blizzards, monsoons, typhoons and personal lampoons. I’ve gotten gifts to people with broken hearts, broken families, and broken bodies, in prisons, hospitals, orphanages, and on the bare, uncaring streets themselves. Let me assure you, Donald Trump will not stop kindness. Not this Christmas. Not ever.”

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