In an unprecedented situation that threatens to jeopardize the coming new year, 2018 is flat out refusing to even put on pants much less take over the reins of earth’s next lap around the sun, until it receives assurances that Donald Trump will “just stop for God’s sake.”
“That’s right. I am the two-thousand-eighteenth year of the Gregorian calendar, which was created by Gregory Peck two-thousand and nineteen years ago when he was 21. And for the last two years I’ve watched some of you shitheads down there, and one in particular, ruin the turns of my younger brothers – ’17 and ’16. And let me just tell you right now: I am not fucking having it.”
Saying that if you check her contract, it’s clear the as the Year To Be, 2018 is well within her rights to demand a healthy work environment – which Trump’s presence as president clearly doesn’t provide for her or anyone else – and as a member of the Associated Annums Guild she cannot be replaced by temporary years, past or future years, or new calendars in their entirety.
“You’re stuck with me. And I’m not putting on my winged boots until Donald Trump gets the fuck off of Twitter, drops it with the dog-whistle politics, and stops rattling the world’s cage like a drunk who thinks he’s raiding the fridge but is actually breaking into a high-voltage power cabinet.”
While the exact wording of these stipulations was still being poured over by Trump’s lawyers, leaders from around the world were quick to weigh in with their thoughts on the impasse.
“I’m good with that.” Said Pope Francis.
“New Year new US President? Where do I sign?” Added Theresa May.
“Don’t let the door stranglehold you on the way out you giant sack of putrid shit,” rapped Eminem.
“We as Canadians love all people. But, and I say this with love, we do love Donald Trump a little less than everyone else. I say drump the fool.” Was the comment from Justin Trudeau.
Reports are already emerging that Donald Trump is mainly perturbed by the fact he was previously unaware of the word perturbed. And that he is second mostest worried that the new year appears to be a black woman.
“That’s correct,” 2018 said for the record. “But Mr. Trump should be duly warned that, having seen the year coming, my particular race or gender should be the least of his concerns at this stage. In the words many of his supporters so enjoy quoting: Buckle up buttercup.”