Polar Bears Cancel New Year’s Day Human Being Swim Due To Lack Of Goggles

“Well I can go for a swim like a polar bear any damn day of the year,” said an irate bear by the name of Snuggles, as he stood in front of the Baffin Island notice board. Onto the frozen cork was tacked a brief notice – in English, French, Inuit, and polar bear – explaining that due to a delay in this year’s shipment of people paraphernalia, there would be no annual human being swim. 

“But tomorrow I wanted to start 2018 off right, by putting on some goggles, a bathing cap, and maybe some shorts with a liner, and running into the water like a damn fool human. Is that really too much to ask?” 

The organizers of the event, who somewhat misleadingly call themselves the Human Being Club, were effusive in their apologies to the polar bear community. 

“The main loser here is, of course, IceFlo, our foundation for polar bears displaced by global warming. Last year’s swim raised enough money to purchase two hundred plastic ice flows to help combat the disastrous effects of a rapidly changing climate. Unfortunately, due to our lack of appropriate people-wear this year, that isn’t going to happen.” 

The bears said that on the bright side they’d heard that most of the Mississipi has frozen solid, so are thinking of just relocating south. 

“Which will also help solve some of the difficulties we run into sourcing mankinis at this high of a latitude. “

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