“There’s only one thing worse than being yanked by the lip from your native environ and left to thrash yourself to death amongst the discarded beer cans and bits of mono-filament,” says Mikey the Mullet, out for a casual weekend swim under the Pier Of Hooks And Ravenous Humans. “And that’s to have the – understandably – alarmed expression on your dying visage become synonymous with an overall lack of comprehension of the world in general.”
Saying that he finds the implication that mullets, of all creatures, are especially incapable of higher thinking “injurious and willfully slanderous,” Mikey points to such other animals as the water buffalo, manatee, and alpaca as also bearing a demeanour whose baseline expression is widespread, almost wistful, confusion.
“But you don’t see anyone going around saying ‘Donald Trump looks like a stunned manatee.’ Why the hell not? Look, you’re already nodding, it works, you know it does. But ‘face like a stunned mullet’ is so ingrained in the collective psyche you can’t get past it. Well try effing harder people. I want to see change before it comes time for me to meet the Great Hooker in the sky, and I only have a lifespan of around 7 years.”
Reached for comment the United Alliance of Sentient Alpacas said they really feel as that the way forward doesn’t lie in shifting systemic discrimination from one animal to another.
“While we have great respect for our scaly brothers and sisters of the sea, and certainly can feel their pain at being the accepted standard used when one is trying to describe the animistic embodiment of stupidity, it is safe to say that we Alpacas would really rather not be substituted for anything other than wool-blends.”
Edit: At the time of this article going to press the manatees still had not surfaced, despite this reporter having waiting for an extended period of time in the Florida sun, bored and sober, with a face like a stunned 70’s haircut.