Moments after his campaign bus slowly came to a stop in front of Washington’s Capitol Building, the words “Happily Ever NAFTA” emblazoned down the side of the blue and white coach, Andrew Scheer stepped down into the brisk winter breeze, took a deep breath and asked, “Where my homies at?”
“So good to get down to the lower 48 provinces let me tell you,” the leader of Canada’s largest collection of dress shoes with tassels said, addressing the rapidly gathering crowd of one guy who mistook Scheer for Jonah Hill and then spent ten minutes quietly trying to retrieve his hand.
“Yep, I really feel like these are my people. Especially out in the mid-west, which is basically an extension of my Albatchewan stomping grounds. Suitably suspicious of people who smile, keen to hear the solutions to their problems lie in blaming the eastern urban elites, and easily rallied by promising to return control of women’s reproductive systems to the same government they wish would be less invasive in all other aspects of their lives. Can I get a heck yes?”
A garbage truck lets out a pneumatic snort somewhere in the distance. Scheer nods with energetic satisfaction. “Holler back you all. Holler right on back.”
“So welcome do I feel here in the land of the free and home of the Atlanta Braves, that I have submitted to my esteemed parliamentary colleagues, and Justin Trudeau, a proposal to re-assign the federal ridings of Canada to include a few of my favourite parts of America.”
Saying that he felt that this was a natural extension of the free trade program, and only possible hope he has of ever winning a federal election, Scheer expressed optimism that the motion would pass in time to save him being replaced by someone in his party who looked like they stood half a chance, such as an old pair of Brian Mulroney’s running shoes.
“I feel certain reorganizing the ridings in this manner can only benefit Canadians in general, and specifically those who attend megachurches, and it’s my feeling that the world’s longest undefended border practically begs for this expansion south. Just call it a NAFTAthought. A gosh darned good ‘un.”