“It’s my belief that the last thought of the final Aztecan was probably something along the lines of ‘living wage my ass, we all ended up dying,'” says Dr. Franz DeHanz, lead researcher at the University of Cologne, and the man credited with discovering that one of humanity’s most successful civilizations perished entirely because they tried to create a fair and equitable economy.
“It appears that sometime in the mid-1600’s the Aztecs decided it really wasn’t fair to kill people as a sacrifice to the gods, so instead they gave them jobs in a chain of cacao shops named after one of their greatest athletes, Timoteo Hortez.”
Dr. DeHanz explains that initially the workers were drastically underpaid, with many of them being forced to take extra employment building office temples or working for Amazon – an ancient supply network that ingeniously made nothing but profited from everything while driving small businesses into the undergrowth.
“Until one day an embattled Aztec ruler known as Katia Wynnaca, looked down upon the plight of the average Aztecan and realized two things: primarily that she was up for re-election, but she also saw that despite working hard at thankless jobs, many of her people lived lives entirely bereft of promise that they might ever get ahead. So without any further ado she sued her main competitor for being a lying box of hair product, and raised the minimum wage to 14 cacao beans an hour, with a further increase of an additional bean an hour after one year.”
Naturally the idealist Aztecs never made it, as predicted by every person who already had lots of cacao beans before they started letting all the people have cacao beans.
“You’d have thought the damn things just grew on trees, the way they were spreading the beans around like a bunch of ancient communists,” says another researcher, Kevin O’Leary of the University Of NOYB, who specializes in telling people what’s what.
“They never even got the second raise,” O’Leary says, shaking his head at the folly of trying to let workers enjoy anything more than the fleeting glimpses of wealth the ruling class allowed them to see, for example on shows like the CBC’s Dragon’s Den, where a bunch of economic gatekeepers sit on thrones gleaning the fat of a desperate populace’s best ideas, to make themselves even wealthier while at the same time greatly raising their public profiles.
“No, predictably they all died, died, died. Just as anyone with half a sundial would have told you they would. Equality,” Kevin says, snorting loudly. “Ask the Aztecs how that worked out for them. Oh wait. You can’t.”