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Obama Shuts Down US Government, Refuses To Explain Why Or How

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Why would a former president do such a thing? Why Obama? Why?

With no particular motivation to lie and no known history of distorting the truth, bending the space-time continuum to his liking, or burying facts in the same way a child hides marbles in play-doh, there was no reason to question President Donald J. Trump this morning when he reluctantly admitted the US government shutdown is all Barack Obama’s fault. 

“OK, I’m ready for questions,” Trump said, shortly after his second coffee, fourth pizza, and third defibrillation of the morning, “But first some answers. I didn’t want to have to say this, you know how much I like Kenyans, and I’m very popular with the black people right now and I don’t want to ruin that, but this government shutdown is all on a former president whose name rhymes with O-rama. That is all I can say about that, don’t ask me to explain why Barack would do this to the hard working people of America who just want to be great again I can’t tell you. Only he knows.”

As the US government ground to a halt – like an enormous train brought to a standstill because someone decided to let a guy who once played a conductor on TV drive the most complex, powerful locomotive in existence – Trump’s thoughts immediately turned to the only thing that could possibly get this whole shebang up and running again: who can I possibly blame?

“And I’m telling you there was a guy between me and Bush who might be able to explain how we arrived at this point,” the current president said, obsessively (and incorrectly) writing the word ‘Barrack’ over and over on a pad of paper with a green crayon. “But this is not the time for guessing whose fault this all is. Now is the time for saying it outright. It was that goddamn Obama and his fancy words, sober-second-thoughts, and arc-of-history-bending-toward-justice bullshit that got us into this mess. And you can quote me on that. In fact you better or I’ll make you stare into the twin voids of Stephen Miller’s eyes. You heard me, get quoting.”

Reached for comment former President Obama just shook his head, snorted, shot a sick three-pointer, and asked Michelle if she wouldn’t reconsider running for office. 

 

Photo: White House Flickr

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