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Tucker Tonight: A Steaming Pile Of Shit To Explain How Pine Trees Are Source Of Stench In US

As a follow up to last night – when Fox’s Tucker Carlson invited a Canadian on his show to break down, in simple terms, why white Americans are worth more than non-white Americans – tonight Tucker is taking on the single greatest issue in the US at the moment: where the fuck is that horrible smell coming from?

To that end he has invited noted stench expert, A Giant Pile Of Steaming Shit, from the University of Solemnly Speaking Out Of One’s Ass, on to his show to explain how fragrant pine forests are the source of the overpoweringly vile aroma currently hanging over the United States in a thick, brown, fetid cloud. 

Author of the book “Whoever Smelt It Can Blame It On The Immigrants,” Mr. Pile will likely hew closely to his oft-repeated message: that all forests should be replaced with open-pit garbage dumps because, “That’s how they used to do it, back in the 50’s, when everyone knew their place, the water was clean, neat gasoline flowed freely from the ground, and bald eagles made nests in the eaves of people’s porches, so long as they were white.”

Notably absent from tonight’s discussion will be a representative from the thriving pine forests, who are currently busy providing the vast majority of what growth does take place in the lower 48, and whose economic wind-break is the only thing saving the southern US from a societal famine whose closest physical parallel would be the 1930’s Dust Bowl.

“Why would I interview them?” Asked Tucker, reached for comment shortly before beginning taping for his show. “I like pine forests, don’t get me wrong. I’m sure a lot of those trees are great trees. But what we’re talking about is the horrible odour currently hanging over America. And if a steaming pile of shit tells me that the smell is coming from the forest, well who am I to think otherwise?”

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