Hitting America where it counts, right smack in the recliner, China wasted no time today in announcing that henceforward all overly-stuffed sofas, branded beer holders, and overrated rock stars, will have to pay enormous surcharges in order to be allowed access to the world’s single largest consumer base.
“Initially we were all a bit concerned that the US doesn’t produce anything we particularly want anymore, making it hard to find something meaningful to tax,” said Wang Dijiang, head of China’s Ministry for Stickin’ It To The ‘Mericans – by far the largest of all of the agencies in the people’s republic – as he addressed the press yesterday afternoon shortly after the United States announced they were going to better the lives of their citizenry by taking away their access to reasonably-priced appliances.
“But we started looking around and realized that we actually import a significant number of beer koozies and obese-looking sofas, and spend a horrifyingly large amount of time listening to Steve Tyler sing through his nose. So we decided this was clearly the place to strike.”
The move is expected to cripple the US economy. By midday Tuesday Aerosmith futures had plunged by 57 basis points, leading to widespread concern that the effects might spread to 10-year Bon Jovi’s.
“I think we picked a fight with the wrong country,” said veteran economist Manon Destreet. “Trump doesn’t have a great track record when it comes to business, and I don’t get the feeling he’s really thought this one through. Once again with this administration it appears we’ve brought a rather dull spoon to a knife fight.”