Saying It Feels Like The Big Hand Is Mocking Him, Trump Demands A Digital Doomsday Clock


America’s snooze button gets his own Doomsday Clock.

In a first for the Bulletin Of Atomic Scientists, the agency has been forced to issue a digital, bedside, version of the common wall-mounted clock that has, up until now, been used to depict how terrifyingly close humanity is to being tweeted into a thin, red, mist. Because: Donald Trump.

“The president reached out to us this morning,” says lead Atomic Scientist, Adam Esplosenzia. “[The call] came shortly after our agency announced that the homo sapien species is now within an opposable thumb’s width of taking our collective toaster for a swim. While unusual, Mr. Trump’s request was a simple one, which is a lot better than last month when he asked if there was a way to ‘nuke people over the phone.’ This time he just wanted a digital doomsday clock. Said he’d always had trouble with the big hand.”

While Sarah Huckabee Sanders was quick to deny this account, saying that “the president has an innate sense of time, and can tell you at any given moment how many hours, minutes, and seconds there are till Hannity is on,” she did say that he was very happy with his new digital display. And had even set an alarm on it. For half-past twelve. 

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