And the other 19% just swear.

A new study – released just in time for this Monday morning’s commute – has revealed that four out of five Canadians employ a combination of outward politeness (smiling, waving regally) with inward obscenity (alleging a total stranger doesn’t know who their parents are; or that their mother was a female dog, wolf, fox or otter) when faced with a traffic situation that requires some form of cockpit-to-cockpit communication.

Conducted in Montreal, Toronto, and some of Canada’s smaller towns like Vancouver and Calgary, with Ottawa thrown in to give the rural perspective, the study was completed by the Ryerson School of Traffic Cones, a newly-formed adjunct to the university whose stated objective is to probe whether cars are making Canadians angrier and faster, or just faster and angrier. 

Observations at a random selection of Toronto intersections early today would seem to bear the results of the study out.  

“I said move yer ass,” said a grit-teeth grinning mom on the way to a school in Toronto’s West End as she gaily waved at a fellow motorist stopped at a four-way intersection, then spending the rest of the drive explaining to her children the necessity of colourful language in certain situations to relieve stress, and accurately describe strangers. 

“Go ya stink-eyed bastard,” ad-libbed a diminutive older man at a traffic light who admits to never swearing when not behind the wheel, but says that when he is he “gives ’em bother effing barrels. Now get outta my car ya bleedin’ satire page.”