The Ontario Provincial Police today announced an unexpected breakthrough in the search for an accurate test for marijuana impairment: asking a driver if they think Doug Ford should be in charge of anything more substantial than a thumb war. With himself.
“Just a stroke of luck,” said OPP spokesperson Arcot Ramathorn. “We’ve been trying to come up with a foolproof way of telling if a driver is dangerously high for years, but it’s a tricky thing to be able to definitively determine roadside. Until now.”
The test went through the official approval process in less time than it took Doug Ford to cram forty reporters into his mother’s basement to announce he wants to be any of the following: Premier of Ontario, Mayor of Toronto, Canadian flag bearer at the Winter games, super moon, or in that number when the saints go marching in.
“We had the idea while watching the news at lunch,” says Officer Ramathorn. “So, without hesitation, we administered a quick field test right there in the OPP canteen. There were twenty officers present, of which two said they thought Doug Ford would make a decent Premier. Those gentlemen then admitted to being stoned out of their gourds, having spent the morning in the evidence room. Test confirmed, we’re moving it to a public pilot as we speak.”