News

Long Winter Predicted For Ontario PCs As Doug Ford Emerges From Basement, Sees Shadow

Folks, folks, folks,” Doug Ford said sombrely, as he emerged from the wood-panelled games room in his mother’s basement to address the media for the second time this week, wearing what appeared to be a modified bear suit. 

The press conference that followed was unusual even for a man who once claimed racism wasn’t about race, and barely managed to fill out the correct forms to enter the race to be the mayor of Toronto on time. 

“Welcome back everyone. Please have some chips and dip. There are spare bean bag chairs in the corner. All settled? Good. With no further ado I would like to announce my candidacy as a mammal capable of making bold predictions. Hence the suit. I will be making today’s prediction based on…” there was a brief interruption while Mr. Ford consulted with an assistant. “Whether or not I see my shadow.” 

With all of the pot lights in the basement pointed toward Doug, there was little doubt what was coming next. Turning around Ford confirmed that he did, in fact, see his shadow, as well as that missing Monopoly counter he’d been looking for (a custom-made Escalade token). 

“And there it is!” Doug said loudly, waking a number of reporters who had fallen asleep on a corduroy sectional off to one side. “My shadow. Which means…” more consultations, “that we are in for a long winter.”

Political analysts were quick to point out the dichotomy contained within this odd ceremony in the Ford basement.

“I think on the one paw Doug is absolutely right,” said the Toronto Star’s Beverly Beleedat, “that there is a sustained deep chill heading the way of the Ontario PCs. But I also think things are pretty balmy over in the Liberal‘s neck of the woods at the moment. And if the current forecast is anything to go by, I’d say its going to stay that way right through June the 7th.”

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