An epidemic of cracked craniums is sweeping Canada, overwhelming the health care system and leading to an unprecedented surge in emergency room visits by people with exploded noggins. And it is all Justin Trudeau’s fault.
“Was he joking when he said ‘peoplekind’? Was he serious? Does it matter?” Asks one doctor in a blood-stained surgical smock that looks like something from a Civil War re-enactment. “I got busted heads coming in the door by the dozens here people, I don’t have time to play word games. We’re running out of expanding foam and I need more hockey helmets and duct tape. Please send help.”
With pressures inside Canadian coconuts already sitting at historically high levels, many researchers say this horrifying – and extremely messy – turn of events was inevitable.
“Your average Canadian conservative’s head pressure had been sitting at about 100 Trudeaus, give or take a Wynne or two,” says Timothy Belfry, head of heads at Acadia University, “which is an increase of exactly 10,000% since the Conservative Party of Canada was in power. Really, it was just a matter of time before domes started detonating. I’m afraid this will likely continue for some time.”
Across the country, highways fill with abandoned cars, their drivers slumped at the wheels, head’s gruesomely popped mid-commute after hearing news of the Prime Minister’s silly remark. Mall food courts look like brain-eating zombies descended on them (more than usual), and the few remaining Tim Horton’s customers have simply ruined the tables they were sitting at. Many Canadians have lost both parents, found in the kitchen with their crowns burst, the CBC playing loudly in the background, tea still warm and toast sitting in the toaster, never to be buttered. Airplanes circle the nation’s airports, headless pilots at the controls of planes full of headless passengers, the few survivors waiting for the aircraft to run out of fuel and crash in the field of a headless farmer. We are witnessing a bloodbath of unprecedented proportions. This may be The Out And Abouter‘s last post. The end appears near. Peoplekind. Thanks Justin. Now you really have ruined everything.