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Key To Happiness May Be As Simple As Having No Idea What Piers Morgan Thinks About Anything

piers

Piers Morgan, seen here admitting that even he finds himself extremely taxing.

In a grimly satisfying – if not-entirely surprising – revelation, researchers at the University of Victoria have discovered a common thread through the lives of the world’s happiest people: they have no idea what Piers Morgan’s opinion is on anything.

In a study conducted over 11 years, the lifestyles of 10,000 people who reported high levels of life satisfaction, and a control group of people living in downtown Toronto, were monitored for common trends. The UVic team found that two things immediately stood out: People in Toronto love talking about how miserable they are, but will never leave. And there is a definitive correlation between an awareness of Piers Morgan’s thoughts, and the likelihood that one harbours a deep, guttural, and irreconcilable despair for humanity.

“Who?” Asks Rosa Giovanna, a 68-year-old woman living on an olive orchard in Sardinia. She doesn’t internet, has never lost a pet, and is widely viewed as the world’s happiest person. “Peers? Morgani? No, no, no. No conoscere.” She returns to crushing olives, her smooth skin belying her years, a smile resting lightly in the corners of her relaxed, unpursed mouth, and her eyes turned inward to pleasant memories of open fields, Mediterranean breezes, homemade limoncello, and a Piers-free life. 

 

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