In a grimly satisfying – if not-entirely surprising – revelation, researchers at the University of Victoria have discovered a common thread through the lives of the world’s happiest people: they have no idea what Piers Morgan’s opinion is on anything.
In a study conducted over 11 years, the lifestyles of 10,000 people who reported high levels of life satisfaction, and a control group of people living in downtown Toronto, were monitored for common trends. The UVic team found that two things immediately stood out: People in Toronto love talking about how miserable they are, but will never leave. And there is a definitive correlation between an awareness of Piers Morgan’s thoughts, and the likelihood that one harbours a deep, guttural, and irreconcilable despair for humanity.
“Who?” Asks Rosa Giovanna, a 68-year-old woman living on an olive orchard in Sardinia. She doesn’t internet, has never lost a pet, and is widely viewed as the world’s happiest person. “Peers? Morgani? No, no, no. No conoscere.” She returns to crushing olives, her smooth skin belying her years, a smile resting lightly in the corners of her relaxed, unpursed mouth, and her eyes turned inward to pleasant memories of open fields, Mediterranean breezes, homemade limoncello, and a Piers-free life.