Polls Show Canadian Embassy To Remain In Tel Aviv For Foreseeable Future


Andrew Scheer, seen here measuring his chances of getting elected.

“Good news Bibi,” Benjamin Netanyahu’s chief strategist told the Prime Minister of Israel this morning, as they arrived at the ‘Canadian’ section of their daily debrief, immediately following their review of yesterday’s crossword.

“Andrew Scheer has said if elected he will move the Canadian embassy to Jerusalem.”

“Goddammit,” said Bibi, slamming his hand down on the lacquered table, making the bone china rattle. “So effectively never. What’s the kid polling at?”

The aide digs around in his notes. 

“Between five and ten points behind the Liberals.”

“And that’s after their media fixated on bad vacation photos of Trudeau for over a week? We have literally zero hope.”

Saying that the disappointment was overwhelming, Netanyahu went on to make an unexpected analogy, opining that this must be what it feels like to be poor and have your dad promise you a great Hanukkah if he gets a job, and knowing in your young heart that he is totally unemployable. And wishing you had another dad.

“What can we do?” The Israeli Prime Minister asks, looking out the window dejectedly.

“Undermine Trudeau?”

“I tried that. He just grins.”

“Throw our weight behind Scheer, start an online campaign appealing to Canadians on Twitter with Israeli flags. There seem to be growing numbers of those.”

“I think that’s just code for being really conservative,” Netanyahu says, looking disconsolate.

“Pull SodaStream?”

Bibi brightens. “Now you’re talking. Get Scarlet Johansen on the phone immediately. We’ll hit the Canadians where it counts, right in the Lime Fruit Drop.”


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