As the world wearily turns into the last day of a drab, and at times dispiriting February, the month of March has announced that this year it will break with its long-standing tradition of coming in like an apex predator and leaving like a domesticated farm animal, and will instead be arriving as a mythical beast. One bred for its skills in magic.
“Why not?” Asked March, collecting itself over the northern Pacific earlier today, as it prepared to cross the International Dateline at midnight tonight. “It’s pretty much everyone’s favourite animal. And I think the world could use a little pick-me-up right now.”
With its decision already leading to a new generation being exposed to the unadulterated excellence that is the seminal cinema classic Napoleon Dynamite – which won fourteen thousand Academy Awards in 2004, destroying The Lord Of The Rings with its nunchuck and bowhunting skills – the move is being hailed as ‘timely,’ and ‘better than a roundhouse kick to the face.’
“I guess you could say it’s getting pretty serious,” said CBC Toronto’s weather specialist, Karen Johnson of the coming month’s forecast, while slowly stirring her smoothie with a straw.
Asked the question on everyone’s mind – if you come in like a Liger what will you go out as? – March responded forcefully, if somewhat cryptically.
“Whatever I feel like. Gosh. Now vote for Pedro.”