‘Universe Such A Limited Place’ Sighs Bill Morneau Happily As He Takes In The Gaps In The Night Sky

Finance Minister Bill Morneau, seen here boldly talking about investigating how to to go where no man has gone before 

“Y’know, most people fixate on the stars, and the infinite scale of the universe when they stare up at the night sky,” says federal Finance Minister, Bill Morneau, out for a late evening stroll around his chateau.

“But not me. No, I like to focus on the gaps, and the amount of nothing that can exist between two somethings. It’s like Gene Roddenberry wrote all those years ago: ‘Space: the final bait and switch.'”

Morneau was taking his nighttime air after a busy day in Ottawa, in which he walked back promises to provide a universal pharmacare policy, saying that in fact what the Liberals would be providing was a nationwide plan to provide headlines for federal parties in need.

“Time and time again Canadians have told us they want universal pharmacare,” Morneau says firmly, as his feet scrunch the squeaky Ottawa snow that lies in unblemished acres on his spacious property. “So, with that in mind, we are going to spend the next few years working out how we can provide them with something specifically not that. Because that’s what we do here at red HQ. Listen, and then talk over. Listen, and then talk over. You had a question? Too late.”

At this point Morneau launches into a long-winded expansion on the word universal, explaining that as it is a term that by its very nature includes everything, then logically everything must be universal.

“Taking a bus across town, shouting at your kids, hiding money from the government in tax havens, these are all ‘universal’ plans,” the finance minister explains, as he gestures expansively with his arms from one darkened horizon to the other. “Because they all happen in the universe. You feel me?”

Admitting all this talk of space was making him feel cold, Morneau suggests we retire to the fire for a glass of Bordeaux. As we turn back towards his ivory house, Bill takes a last glance up at the vast panorama above us once last time. He sighs happily.

“Just look at some of that space.”

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