“Twas a dark and stormy night when a man of haunted expression, who had clearly never found cause nor reason to lift a razor to his youthful countenance, stumbled across the threshold of 221B Baker street; and into the lives of myself and my constant companion, the great Sherlock Holmes. The man’s name was Andrew Scheer, and we would shortly come to regret this forced meeting as greatly as the Canadian voters of the early 21st century.”
So begins a newly released, special edition Sherlock Holmes story, told from the perspective of Dr. Watson as per the tradition of the iconic detective stories. The latest tale, entitled The Case Of The Missing Road To Power: A Canadian Politician Lost In London, is a typically acerbic British look at the spectacle of a Canadian opposition leader taking time away from his one duty (opposing things) to campaign in a non-election year to people who can’t vote for him, even if they did give ‘alf toss. Which, it would appear, they do not.
The story is a dark and twisting affair, that begins and ends with Scheer on his phone asking how his numbers are looking at home, and Sherlock Holmes staring broodily into the fire wondering how his world-renowned powers of deduction came to be used to point out the obvious: Scheer is in the wrong damn country.
At one point, pulling Watson aside in the scullery, Sherlock lays it out for his friend as plainly as he can.
“How did young Scheer find us Watson? Why is the man here? What good is promising to do something if you get elected in one and one-half years? ‘Tis strange indeed, and of no consequence. For what it’s worth I could promise you Watson, that I’ll buy you an elephant if the Queen sneezes next Tuesday while having her morning tea. And you, rightly, would say: let us speak next Tuesday then Holmes.”
Watson nods, smashes a bottle of port open on the flagstones and asks his friend if he should show their visitor out.
“Nay Watson, not like that anyway. He’s Canadian, we have to be nice to them after sending them to live in the tundra. Anyway, while he cuts a foolish figure, I sense a lack of guile in the man. I think he is just simple, which would explain why he is utterly bereft of a meaningful platform. And that, as anyone will tell you, is as troubling in a politician as a Londoner setting out without a decent umbrella. A cavalier move at best, deeply flawed at its core. Mark my words Watson, knowing what you stand against more than what you stand for is a certain sign of ill-will, and likely infirmity of the mind.”