As the Ontario PC leadership race winds to a close, barring a last-minute injection to keep Canada’s longest running sketch comedy show on the air for another week, the race appears to have come down to Christine Elliott and an opened pack of bologna that is tough on crime, anti-abortion, and thinks sex ed should be left up to the honey-roasted hams at home.
“I’m great in sandwiches,” said the lunch meat, live from Queen’s Park and giving interviews to all comers. “In a pinch I can be chopped up and put into omelettes, and if you microwave me with a piece of Kraft cheese on top I will curl up and cradle it in a succulent bowl of the world’s finest grease. What more could you want?”
While many are questioning how long the opened packet – already a few slices short of a full portion – can possibly be good for, its supporters (known as Pastrami Nation) say it is the only combination of lips and assholes that can lead this province back to the 70’s.
“He’s gonna stop the gravy train,” says one man, wearing (naturally) a sandwich board that exhorts people to ‘Hold the mayo, Pass the mustard, Vote for lunch meat!’ “Who cares how he does it. You don’t like pickles or something?”
For her part Christine Elliott has run what has probably been the most normal of the Ontario PC leadership campaigns, though has at times openly grimaced when forced to stand beside the ham in debates, and for photo ops.
“Look, I’m not going be saying anything against the packet today,” Elliott says, answering the question of if she thinks it’s appropriate that sliced protein represent this province. “I have enjoyed many ham sandwiches over the years, and while I never expected to run against one for a job, I also never expected to stand for scrapping the carbon tax. What can I say. Politics is weird, especially in Ontario. May the best…meat? Win.”