In an early morning press conference, doctors have revealed that scans show some activity in the medulla escaladus section of Doug Ford’s brain, who suffered being elected leader of the Ontario PC party late Saturday night, in a crash that is still being investigated by incredulous fiscal conservatives across the province.
“We call it the diving bell effect,” says Dr. Benjamin Stern, head of noggins at Toronto’s Mt. Sinai hospital, explaining Ford’s status. “The patient appears to be trapped in a prison of his own sloganeering, unable to communicate with the outside world beyond basic grunts and meaningless promises to cut waste and make Ontario great again.”
While many in the PC party are ‘flabbergasted’ and ‘appalled’ that their leadership has now been handed to a man whose family name is synonymous with the first two successful brain-bypasses in Canadian political history, political experts across the province have been quick to point out that this really shouldn’t come as a surprise.
“Clearly there are large segments of the province that have taken the ‘anyone but Wynne’ declaration as something of a dare, rather than an imperative,” says Jill Dalhousie, dean of the school for WTF at U of T. “Frankly, I think if a disembodied middle finger had run on a platform of not being named Kathleen, there wouldn’t have been a recount.”
Regardless of political pundits questioning whether Mr. Ford has the basic level of consciousness required to choose a breakfast cereal, much less run the province, the Ford campaign entered the fray at full bore on Monday morning, adding four new bumpers to Mr. Ford’s SUV to make room for new stickers, and promising to make a subway from Cornwall to Sioux Lookout, with stops in Windsor and Huntsville.
If successful in being elected Premier, Mr. Ford will become the least cognizant person to enter Queen’s Park as premier since Mike Harris rolled his sleepy eyes into parliament in 1995 for a two-term reign of ‘common sense’ that the province’s education and social assistance programs are still recovering from. What fun.