“I’m named after the Roman god of war,” says Mars, looking dashing in a red coat of swirling dust, as scouring winds chase their tails in timeless pursuit on his unperturbed surface. “But I don’t even know what that is. I think it’s an especially large pile of sand maybe? Or eternal night? It’s pretty obscure anyway, I’m the only Mars I know.”
In a recent sit down with The Out And Abouter, the fourth planet from the sun seemed relaxed and fresh, admitting he can’t complain, is at a really great place in his elliptical orbit, and is mostly just watching the world go by. “Literally. Earth and I get close every couple of your years. Always nice to view all that organic chaos from a safe distance.”
Saying that these days he’s been mostly focusing on tearing one of his moons apart with his gravitational force, to create a nice little ring to wear around his middle, Mars explains he’s discovered that “everyone needs a hobby. Saturn gave me the idea. She’s such a dear.”
“And yeah, I’ve just been laying low since that whole big bang thing happened,” the uncolonized bachelor adds, staring at the sun because there isn’t a whole lot else to look at. “That was a heck of a party. We’re all still spinning out. Maybe we’ll get together for another shindig sometime in the next few billion years, but I doubt it. It’s hard to keep in touch in an ever-expanding universe.”
At this point we interrupt the planet’s mild chatter to ask if he’s ever heard of a man named Elon Musk.
“Musk? No. Is he related to NASA? They keep losing probes on my surface. Not sure what they’re looking for, but unless its vast quantities of iron and aluminum they ain’t gonna find it.” The planet lets out an easy laugh, clearly unaware that 200,000 human beings recently volunteered to be shot in his direction in hopes of forming a new colony on his ill-suited surface as a result of having ruined the planet we are already on.
“I don’t really stay up on people news,” Mars admits. “It’s pretty hard to keep track of. It’s all happened so fast. Just a second ago you guys figured out you were living on a sphere, and now here you are taking victory laps around your moon. Which is adorbs by the way.”
Mars stretches then, or as much as a planet can, which is not at all; and yawns, metaphorically.
“No, I can’t keep up with you kids. Speaking of which, I feel an epochal dust storm coming on. And that means it’s time for a thousand-year, undisturbed nap; enjoying the peace and quiet, and all of the minerals sitting beneath my pristine surface that has never known an open-pit mine, quarry, or strip mall. Yep, life sure is good out here, all on my own. Pure bliss. You guys take care now. Hope you’re still a thing when I wake up. If not, it was nice never getting to know you. Alright. Space space.”