Donald Trump wasted no time today in responding to news that the Great Pacific Garbage Patch handily bested all previous estimates of its size and density, laying to rest concerns that we might be able to preserve at least some sea life through the end of this century.
“Get me the patch on the phone,” Trump reportedly said, as he strode into the Oval office shortly before his first lunch today, throwing a Kit Kat wrapper over his shoulder with practiced insouciance.
“Garbage patch? Can you hear me? Yes, good, I’m sure you’re busy, choking wildlife and trying to exist between gyres while making sure you can be seen from space, but I just wanted to say, of all the trash on earth you really are my favourite.”
A lengthy pause followed this remarkable statement, during which the president absently attempted to run his hand through his hair, losing two fingers. As medical personnel dropped their defibrillators and rushed to assist, the president hastened to assure the foreign head of rubbish that he was still listening.
“Just a flesh wound, not to worry. I heard everything you spewed, and just wanted to reassure you that as the United States’ largest trash partner my administration remains committed to supporting your point of view to the United Nations, who have frankly been giving you a very bad name. Yes. Well, they call you garbage for a start. I think ‘unaffiliated plastic’ has a much nicer ring to it.”
Believed to be only leader of a western nation to personally call the garbage patch, and likely only person ever, Trump was unrepentant when pressed to defend his decision to respect the environmental disaster as a sovereign nation.
“Many of my friends are plastic, and they are very pro-patch. I don’t see a problem here. The Pacific is a big ocean, some say the biggest, so what’s a little 1.8 trillion pieces of garbage between friends? I think there’s plenty of room for trash talking out here.