As a contrite Facebook continued to apologize for its incredibly-successful-but-horribly-corruptable business model today, users were taken aback at how invasive one of the chosen methods of delivery was: friendly, if exceptionally creepy, messages written in the steam of user’s bathroom mirrors while they shower. As examples spread across social media, many wondered what the hell we have gotten ourselves into, while unleashing screams worthy of Janet Leigh in Psycho.
“Hey Jim, sorry about all that privacy breach stuff,” begins one dripping message, a photo of which was posted online by Jim Belugi, of Oak Hills, Ontario. “As a valued member of our Facebook family – and someone who we know really struggles to trust people and institutions after your mother, Marigold M. Johnson, of Darmouth, Nova Scotia, passed away seven days before your 16th birthday following a long battle with lung cancer from a pack-a-day habit encouraged by Big Tobacco advertising – we wanted to reassure you that your information is safe with us. And that we will never do anything with it other than make your life better and easier; and ourselves a minimum of 4 billion dollars per annum, increasing by at least 25-35% year-on-year. Going public is harder than it looks Jim. Shareholders are insatiable. It’s the inherent flaw in market capitalism, but one we all just have to try to make an obscene amount of money with. C’est la vie. Anyway good chat, and I’m glad you have such a large mirror. You’ve got shampoo behind your ear. Kisses, Zucks.”
Another message, to a user in Winnipeg, simply asked a user to pass the unscented soap. It was signed: Your Sensitive Skinned Facebook Support Team.
“Needless to say I got a little freaked out,” says Mr. Belugi, when asked how he felt about the level of intimacy Facebook was wielding in his life. “But you know, it’s been years since anyone wrote anything on my bathroom mirror. And by years I mean never in my whole life, so that was pretty nice, in a creepy sort of way. And I can’t get by without the ol’ FB. Who’m I kidding? Apology accepted guys! I bought you a shower cap.”
Not all users were as equanimous as Jim.
“I already deleted Facebook,” said Marjory Brown, of Regina, Saskatchewan, lowering a large pair of safety goggles down over her eyes, and raising a large, long-handled sledgehammer high into the prairie air above her. “Now it’s hashtag smash mirror.”