As the latest poll numbers came in following a busy week in Ontario politics – in which Doug Ford threatened to defund the internet, potholes, daylight savings time, and the odd feeling that someone might be watching you – there was a surprising twist in store that was almost as crazy as Ford himself, and inextricably linked: The Progressive Conservative party’s lead over getting your teeth knocked in by a frozen metal shovel, is now down to single digits.
“Yeah, I mean I’d prefer a plastic shovel,” says Tony Loller, of Mississauga, leaning wearily against a wall as he considers his options for premier. “But worst comes to worst sure. A metal one right in the kisser instead of listening to ol’ Dougie wax eloquent for four fucking years sounds like a heck of a good deal.”
Loller isn’t alone. His wife is standing beside him. And she wants a shovel to the face too.
“Sure a shovel’s fine, though can’t I just vote for a Wynne? Seems less painful in a no-reconstructive-surgery-or-asinine-leader sort of way.”
With support for the PCs sitting at 36 Ontario voters out of 100 who would rather have to eat Doug Ford’s ample shorts for the next four years then let Wynne buy them their dream car, the PCs still remain firmly in control.
“But don’t rule out face smashing just yet,” says a spokesperson from Forum Research, who conducted the latest poll. “There’s still a lot of nose left to cut off our faces between now and June 7.”