News

Rasmussen Poll Shows Trump Outperforming Ra On Road To Becoming Sun God

trump ra ra ra ra ra raA new poll from Rasmussen Reports, the results of which were amplified yesterday in an unusually self-promoting tweet by the generally demurring Donald Trump Saviour Of The Cheeseburgery Greatness™, shows the 45th president of the United States currently outperforming the ancient Egyptian god Ra on the road to becoming the immortal patron of all future pharaohs.

“At this point in the first dynasty, Ra was beset by voter disappointment in his inability to bring jobs back to the Nile, and his perceived reluctance to call the early papyrus-based media for what they really are: first class carrion feeders,” says Trump’s newly appointed Head of Historical Thinks, John Smolten. Notably, Smolten is the third person to enjoy the position this month, but – in a sign of the growing diversity of the president’s inner circle – the first to have a moustache. 

While no other polling company has been able to reproduce the results of the poll, which show Trump a solid 10 points ahead of Ra at this stage, with spikes of total support for the prez across a Bible Belt that has yet to forget Mosesgate, the lack of corroboration did nothing to hinder the president in issuing a rare personal endorsement of himself. 

“Ratty Ra has nothing on this administration,” the president tweeted late Monday evening. “Sun God? More like a tea light. They say man comes from his tears, but what kind of a guy cries? BABY. Markets spike every time I tweet. DEIFICATE ME (SPELLING?)” 

Many of Trump’s supporters have been quick to take up the challenge of turning their passingly-mortal leader into a celestially-based divinity. 

“Obama just wishes he could have created order out of primordial chaos,” says a man in a place doing a thing. “He couldn’t even ban assault rifles while holding congress. Trump is a doer. If anyone can rise from reality show host to the sun made manifest in earthly form, it’s that guy. Just look at his tan.”

Reached for comment Ra silently shrugged before returning his searing gaze to warming the planet to a simmering boil.

Categories: News

Tagged as: , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s