Mark Zuckerberg looked tired this morning, as he made his way through the corridors of the U.S. Capitol building to plead with lawmakers to give him a second chance to make a shit ton of money on the back of humanity’s irrepressible curiosity, and desire to connect with one another.
“Mistakes were made,” an extremely out-of–his–depth looking Zuckerberg admitted. His ungainly response to the situation is a surprise given his background as a hacker-made-good, who created Facebook as a spin-off from another site of his called Facemash – a platform for rating collegian women’s looks – and subsequently stumbled on a secret portal to seemingly infinite dollars, which he happily harvested with the same level of thought that a child eats its own boogers with (including all the sincere denials he has done anything wrong.)
“But I don’t want you guys to think I’m taking this lying down in my custom-made bed of the softest money unethical ad revenues can buy,” Zuckerberg said, straightening his tie as he reached the final closed door separating him from today’s public ass-kicking.
“Myself and my experienced team of I, and me, were up all night researching this problem and trying to come up with some sort of solution to this conundrum I created by taking a social enterprise public. But I gotta be honest. Even on Wikipedia, that wonderful, free-content Internet encyclopedia that handles nearly as much traffic as Facebook but for a fraction of the cost, I struggled to find a way in which everyone gets to keep their privacy and we get to stay in business. So now I’m not sure where to look.”
The Facebook founder’s phone lit up then, as the gathered reporters exchanged looks that silently asked whether this dude is for real.
“Class-action lawsu – oh jeez.” Mark mouthed quietly to himself, reading the alert without opening the message, before switching his phone to silent and heading in to Facemusic.