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Doug Ford Admits He’s Not Looking Forward To Moving Into 24 Sussex Drive

***Satire***

In the latest sign that Doug Ford is less-than-certain as to what exactly he is running for, the leader of the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario today stated that one of the main challenges that he anticipates being the premier will present, will be living in 24 Sussex Dr. 

“I mean, it’s a bit of a dump,” said Ford, while campaigning on a remote lake accessible only by canoe, with no media to be seen anywhere; just him, and his team, and a whole lot of wide-open, unquestioning space. “I hear they used to call it Gorffwysfa, which sounds like ‘teardown’ in some other language. And how the hell am I supposed to keep in touch with the people of Ontario all the way up in Ottawa?”

Nobody present had it in them to explain that as a candidate for premier, he isn’t in the running for the Prime Ministerial residence. 

“You gotta let the big guy down easy,” an aide explained, as she trekked out for more donuts. “There’s only so many times a day you can deflate his misshapen sense of reality. And already since breakfast today we’ve had to explain he can’t fire private sector employees, reiterate that he’ll have no jurisdiction over the CBC, and that all we can do is ask if Nickelback will play at his next rally. You really can’t make Chad Kroeger do anything he doesn’t want to, other than rhyme words with themselves. You know what Doug said to that?”

We indicated that we did not.

“Never made it as a wise man. I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing.” The young aide shakes her head, reluctantly humming the insidious tune in spite of herself, like someone running their tongue over a recently chipped tooth. “Let’s just say Mr. Ford isn’t an easy guy to talk to. Or about. Or over. Or…” the aide carries on, mumbling as she climbs in her truck, as we have by now reached the roadside where the parked cars of team Ford team sit, carefully hidden under camouflage tarps. 

“Eventually we’ll tell him the only way he’s getting in 24 Sussex is if he successfully evades security,” the young woman says, as she goes to pull away. “But I have to be honest, its going to be a distant third; after the big chat about Santa, and how budgets work.”

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