News

Americans Wonder Who They Can Trust, As National Enquirer’s Ethics Called Into Question

trump library“Hindsight’s 20-20,” says David Pecker, publisher of the National Enquirer, as he climbs into the Bugatti with which he intends to attempt to get out in front of the breaking news that he allegedly paid $30,000 to not publish a sensationalistic story about a sensationalistic man. In his sensationalistic newspaper. 

“At the time, I looked at this story about Trump having an extra kid kicking around, and really, it didn’t meet any of our criteria. No aliens, no abductions, no globalist plots, technically no bestiality, and only one celebrity. If I published an article every time a billionaire fathered a kid and tried to cover it up while running for president, there’d be no trees left. Gimme a break. It just wasn’t our kind of news.”

While this doesn’t answer why his paper paid the source of this information, a New York doorman, a substantial sum of money to sign over the rights to the story, David Pecker points out that if indeed he paid a peck of printed papers, where then is the peck of printed papers that David Pecker paid?

“Ask yourself that. Three times, fast.”

Many Americans say this is the last straw for them, and that they will no longer trust any publication they read on a wire rack close to the checkout, printed in bright colours, that uses Elvis as a primary source. 

“Sure I had some doubts that Oprah lost 250 pounds on a diet of just cheeseburgers,” says Gladys Gilbert, of Sarasota, Florida. “But that thing about A-Rod cheating on J-Lo? Everyone knows he’s a dog. I’m just so confused. Thank God for Hannity.” 

“Enquiring minds want to know about Killary folks. THAT’S NEWS,” Pecker says in response to questions about the integrity of his venereal paper, speaking through the open window of his sports car as he turns the heated seats up to caldo.

“Not what a great man, Donald J. Trump, chooses to do with his very nice, good, American virility, that really is the best kind you can have. I’m lucky to call him a friend. A great American. Like a bald eagle, only with lots of hair. The best hair. So what if I helped him out? Not that I’m saying I did, but so what if I did? Remember, we were up against KILLARY.”

His manner of speaking is strangely reminiscent of someone else who has been frequently in the news of late. Tabloidy, some might say. Perfectly adapted to Twitter, and the incessant shouting of our times. But who is it that speaks and writes like this? Other than the National Enquirer. It’s on the tip of our twitter feed, but the moment passes. Pecker is revving the engine. Before he pulls away he offers a final thought. 

“It just wasn’t news, I’m telling you. Now, if that kid had ended up in Area 51, and there are grainy photos to possibly prove it if you look at them the right way while waiting in line at a grocery store, maybe then we might have something.”

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