News

CN Tower Closed For Shedding Frozen Tears Of Impotent Rage

The tallest building in Canada is closed for what is arguably both the most, and least, Canadian of reasons: The weather is stubbornly, hopelessly, unforgivably shit. And, having had enough, the tower is showering the crowded streets of downtown Toronto with frozen tears of impotent rage. Ones that in some cases weigh more than a small car. Full of cold, sad clowns. 

“You’re going to have to hold it right there folks,” says a frazzled looking police officer with a severe crick in his neck, charged with keeping people from exiting the SkyWalk where it empties out at the foot of the world’s most over-it tower.

A kid asks why we’re stopped.

“Because the weather is fucking horrible out there little buddy, and the tower is losing its shit,” the cop says, affably enough, though with a crazed look in his eye that would normally raise alarm bells but is shared by pretty much everyone in Ontario who had to get out of bed today. 

Officials with the CN Tower say it will remain closed for a period of time that is difficult to determine because they have simply given up.

“I live in Burlington man,” says the CN Tower’s director of operations, Hugh Hightop. “By the time I got home on Friday I had just enough time to change my underwear and turn around and come right the hell back. That tower isn’t just shedding ice, people. It’s crying. Crying for us all. Weeping pure frozen memories of summer, and the humidex, and wit beers. It could stop tonight, it could go on for days, I really don’t know. I can’t think in my winter jacket in April.”

“But I can tell you this,” Mr. Hightop continues, gently guiding us out from under a jagged shard of falling ice the size of a cube van, as it explodes into the pavement in the exact spot usually occupied by the cheerful drummer during Blue Jays’ home games. We hope he’s happy. Wherever he is. “I can’t feel my toes, and my kids now think believing in summer is something you outgrow, like the Tooth Fairy, or Santa, or Leafs Stanley Cup parades. Just a dream that old people tell you about to pass the days. I don’t blame the tower for crying. I would too if I was rooted in place to the country that warmth forgot.”

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