“It just feels like lately every Tom, Dick, and Notley thinks they can just throw down a pipeline, or highway, or information centre wherever they damn well please,” says Mt. Columbia, sitting (and towering) chairperson for the Assembly of Rocky Mountains. “People used to sail around Cape Horn rather than attempt to venture through our jagged peaks. But not anymore. Now middle-aged folks wearing Lycra cycle through us, for fun! It’s clear we’ve got a major image problem on our slopes.”
With that in mind the Canadian Rocky Mountains have undertaken their first rebranding since the early 1750’s, when French fur traders carefully listened to the native word for the mountains, and then went ahead and called them the Montagnes de Roche.
“We bounced around a few ideas,” says Mount Alberta, who – despite sharing a name with the province that is currently the keenest to run more infrastructure through the peaks – is a staunch supporter of returning to the days of being utterly impregnable.
“The Don’t Even Think About Its had a lot of support, as did a motion to call ourselves the Broke Your Fiscal Back Mountains, but in the end we all decided we wanted something that would really get the message across, and could work as a band name if we ever decide to get into the alt-rocky market. And we think The Fearsome Fuck Offs really checks both boxes.”
While the name change only applies to the section of the Rockies north of the Canadian-U.S. border, support has surged in the American segment of the range as well.
“We’ve got a good ball club this season,” says Bud Black, manager of the Colorado Rockies baseball team. “But I don’t think there’s any argument we’d be a whole lot better if we were called the Fearsome Fuck Offs. That’s just a great name right there. I’d wear that hat with pride.”
But not everyone agrees the change is a positive move, or good example for the next generation of overly-enthusiastic terraformers.
“It’s not a word I allow my child to say at any other time,” says Calgary resident Joan Galling, “Why would I let them say it when referring to where we’re taking the RV for the weekend. I realize its up to them what they call themselves. I just don’t think it’s very Canadian.”
Reached for comment, Mt. Columbia listened carefully to Ms. Galling’s objection, before letting out a light chuckle that caused a major avalanche and shut two roads, and then said that maybe they could keep it a little more in theme with the national tone.
“How about The Fearsome Fuck Offs. Please.“