Kate Middleton has successfully given birth to another baby boy, beating rush hour traffic in London by precisely 14 minutes, narrowly avoiding the ignominy of having a royal baby in Piccadilly Circus whilst waiting for someone to let her in a packed tube.
The healthy child reportedly weighs eight diminishing empires seven uncertain futures, and bumps his Uncle, Prince Harry, off the starting roster for the family basketball team should the royals ever respond to the longstanding challenge from King James of Cleveland, to join him in a single game playoff for the undisputed crown.
And pretty much everyone wants him to be called Diana.
“Yeah mate. Prince Diana. That’s right good that is. Proper tribute innit?” Said a man selling shirts outside St. Mary’s Hospital where the baby was born, using the narrative arc in Johnny Cash’s popular song A Boy Named Sue as evidence that this would be an initially shocking, subsequently troubling, momentarily redemptive, and ultimately disowned – if ahead-of-its time – decision.
“Ok, maybe that’s not the greatest example,” the man admits. “But anyway I like the way ‘Prince Diana’ sounds. It’s not everyday you get to pay homage to two of your favourites, taken too soon, without having to use middle names.”
While Royal watchers put the odds of the new child being named Diana at approximately ‘not a single one in hell ever you’ve already wasted too much time thinking about this,’ the devoted were undeterred.
“Oh yes, oh wouldn’t that be so much lovelier than another Richard or Philip, or Arthur, or Naseem,” said Gretel Hobnob, a grandmother who just happened to be camped outside the hospital for the last seven days when the royal baby was born.
The impossibility was also welcomed by human rights advocates everywhere, despite only being mentioned in one little-known satirical publication with a small, but fabulously devout, following.
“I’ve never heard of The Out And Abouter – is that a Canadian euphemism for something? – but the idea of an institution as staid, and traditional as the British Royal Family giving a nod to a more gender-fluid future; while at the same time honouring a Princess known for her approachability and work on important social issues, is a little overwhelming,” said the current director of Britain’s National Aids Trust, Dame Van Dame, as she interrupted her important work to consider the idea.
“I think I need a cup of tea. I really almost wish I hadn’t entertained so tantalizing an impossibility.”