In response to the University of Alberta daring to recognize the contribution of one of Canada’s leading scientists – who in turn dared to point out that oil is a non-renewable resource, the rapid consumption of which is ruining our planet – the United Conservative Party of Alberta has wasted no time in proposing a new tax on academic institutions that use more than their pre-defined quota of honouring left-wing climate change researchers. Which would be anything more than 0.
“We took a good look at the situation,” said the leader of the UCP, Jason Kenney, taking a break from demanding apologies from anyone who looked in his direction with anything other than utter adoration, and respectful fealty for his exalted status as Leader Of The Opposition And Heir To The Oil Throne And Extended Petro-Soaked Sands.
“And we saw a real opportunity to restrict thought, and make money. Two birds with one of the cubic meters of dirt it takes to make a drop of oil, as it were. Anyway, as you know that dovetails beautifully with both our party’s slogan and platform in general, which is namely: Keep your presumption, we’re here for consumption.”
While Rachel Notley has already said that she fundamentally disagrees with the notion of taxing anything to do with academia, or free speech, or the number of grey hairs in a hippy scientist’s flowing beard of difficult truth, she wouldn’t rule out proposing her own Thought Tax, saying:
“In case you haven’t noticed, out-Jasoning Mr. Kenney has become something of an obsession with me.”
For his part, David Suzuki has expressed regret over his life’s work of warning Canada, and the greater world beyond, that if we take all the oil out of the ground and burn it, we might run into a few problems.
“Oh yeah, I’d definitely take back pointing out that chucking plastic in the ocean and artificially heating up the atmosphere at unprecedented levels is a terrible idea with bad short term consequences and catastrophic long term ones, just to be welcome in Alberta again,” the esteemed scientist says, looking out over the waters of Vancouver’s English Bay from his Kitsilano home.
“One of the biggest regrets of my life. Oh yeah,” he repeats, sliding his sunglasses slowly down off his forehead and into place, laying back in his easy chair, taking a sip of his homemade Kombucha, and turning his face to the warm West Coast sun and salty Pacific breeze.
“Not being welcome in Alberta. Cuts me to the core. Oh yes. A veritable ocean of regrets.”