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Cosby Sentenced To Hosting New Show: Sexually Assaulted Women Say The Darndest Things

With the jury finding Bill Cosby guilty on three counts of aggravated indecent assault, the judge in the seminal case has moved directly to sentencing, and in a decision expected to bring hours of grimly important viewing into the living rooms of America – and indeed the world – has made an unusual decision.

“I haven’t decided yet just how much jail time to give you Mr. Cosby,” the judge said, addressing the elderly-but-irate comedian, who at one point broke down and swore, causing Jon Stewart to let out a belly laugh of vindication somewhere in the rolling fields of New Jersey. 

“But it is my feeling that America, duped by your friendly-dad routine in much the same manner as the women you Quaaluded and assaulted, would be best served by your fame – now infamy – being used to give a greater voice to the words of your accusers. Just as you once amplified the non-sequiturs of young people of otherwise limited audience; now, fittingly, you will help spread the difficult stories of your victims, many of whom’s voices also struggled to be heard. Any words? No? Good. Straighten your tie. We’re live in 5…4….3….ok Time’s Up.”

Cosby’s lawyers were left scrambling to appeal as the eastern wall of the courtroom dropped away to reveal the set of a TV show, complete with a rather serious-looking studio audience. A red light blinked on. A new show began. 

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