Saying its bad enough being a gaseous giant in a society that clearly favours smaller, denser planets, Jupiter today asked NASA if it wouldn’t mind pointing its telescopes, infrared sensors, UV detectors, radio receivers, trace gas analyzers, and just general attention, away from its Great Red Spot. Please. Now.
“Seriously guys. I know it’s there. Frankly I don’t think there’s much great about it, and had nearly convinced myself that no one would really notice it when you jerks showed up. I mean, you even gave it a name, capitalized and everything. Who does that?” the largest planet in our solar system said, as it ineffectively attempted to obscure that section of its surface with one of its many moons.
“Yes it is painful, no I don’t know what caused it, no you absolutely cannot pop it – that is disgusting – and I really wish we could just stop talking about it right now please.”
Undeterred, NASA said they plan on sending a fresh array of 100-megapixel cameras to orbit at a variety of altitudes above the spot, so as to not miss a single moment of Jupiter’s visible discomfort and anxiety.
This has caused Jupiter to officially lost its -145ºC cool.
“Oh for god’s sake!” the planet shouted into the surrounding void. “All I want is a little space. Literally the one thing we have between us. Respect it! Can’t you guys just focus on not extincting yourselves for awhile, while I get my surface under control? Holy Hawkins, get a hobby would you? Go explore an ocean or something.”
In response to the outburst, NASA released another fact sheet about The Spot – complete with a printable colouring book; historical analysis of The Spot’s size and angry redness; and a chart showing that while the blemish is reducing, thankfully we can still count on being able to stare at it for decades still to come.
Hearing this, Jupiter sighed heavily – creating 600 km/h winds of hydrogen and helium on its forbidding surface – and asked, not for the first time, why it couldn’t have coalesced in another solar system.