In a prolonged rant to a nondescript bush this morning, President Trump informed the shrub that Jimmy the Penguin was onboard with the plan to discover who put the Caramilk in the Caramilk bars, that the ‘water tastes funny do you ever notice the water tastes funny can you even taste being a plant and all?’ and declared that no one can make him take his medication.
“I hide it under my tongue and then give it to Kellyanne. Yes, my little green friend, that does that explain a lot doesn’t it?”
While the president’s inner circle moved quickly to form a protective wall around the embattled icon of how far crazed incompetence can go when given enough of a headstart – blocking him from the assembled press corps and refusing to answer questions regarding whether the outdoor plant had any official role in the administration – the damage was already done.
“As in months ago,” said MSNBC’s Kasie Hunt, reporting live from the scene. “It will come as no surprise to many American’s that Trump believes Obama implanted a listening device in Melania’s hat, and that a mysterious ‘overseer’ is sending him coded messages via shampoo commercials during Fox & Friends. What is perhaps more worrying, is how few people seem to care.”
“Oh yeah, I know Trump thinks Air Force One isn’t well enough insulated against energy sapping Inviso-Rays that could take away all the strength he saves by not exercising,” says a man that Hunt collars for an on-the-street interview as he walks past the White House. “Which sounds pretty crazy, sure. But what concerns me about all this is it distracts us from talking about the important things. Like how George W. personally ordered 9/11, and the ongoing coverup of Pizzagate, and the fact the Clinton’s are quietly knocking people off and shipping them out in body bags.”
Turning slowly back to the camera after the man excused himself, saying he has to keep moving or the Google Earth satellites will realize he isn’t in Oregon anymore, Hunt raised one eyebrow slowly, paused, made a perplexed face with hints of real sadness, and then finished her report.
“And there you have it. Is Trump the leader we want? Probably not. Is he the leader we deserve? Well. Let’s be honest.”