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Doug Ford Escalates His War On Belts

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In an unsurprising development that will deeply concern pretty much every resident of Ontario who has ever walked in a forest, eaten a vegetable, or taken an appreciative breath of fresh air, an audio recording has been released today in which Doug Ford says he plans to open southern Ontario’s Greenbelt to – and we’re paraphrasing here – “screw our future so I can keep my impossible promises.” 

“Belts are just too confining. It’s like you’re just giving yourself an uncomfortable way to measure how quickly you’re growing. I’m much more of an elastic waist kind of guy,” Ford can be heard to say on the recently released recording. “They just give you all that room to expand, rather than consider healthier, more sustainable options. What I’m saying is Southern Ontario doesn’t need a Greenbelt, it needs sweat pants, or maybe a muumuu, those are nice too. Just so airy..”

While the Liberals have yet to release a statement, an aide at their campaign headquarters has emerged to put yet another line beneath a sign at the front of the building that says “You Can’t Trust Doug Ford.” This puts the total of underscores on the placard at five, and is the darkest one yet. 

For his part Mr. Ford says everyone is just “reacting a lot too much.” 

“Its not like I’m selling off the rights to Lake Ontario,” Ford said, measuring up the body of water by viewing it through the box created by his thumbs and index fingers. “That’ll be later, to pay for the tax cuts and subways.” 

Saying his experience with trees consists of their dripping sap on his car, falling on power lines when he’s trying to watch the Argos, and blocking his view of the gorgeous industrial sprawl his riding of Etobicoke is home to, Ford says he’s surprised to hear people care about the damn things.

“They’re basically just giant weeds people. And not the kind you can smoke. Sure shade is nice, but you don’t get to be as red as I am by standing in the shadows folks. I say let’s knock down some old growth to make way for some new gross. Ontario is open for business. And yes the furniture is for sale.”

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