With the Toronto Raptors already on the brink of elimination, the Cavaliers have taken things a super-villain step further by giving Thanos the nod to start at center in Monday’s upcoming contest in Cleveland.
“Well, shit,” said Jonas Valančiūnas, who will be given the unenviable assignment of guarding the eternal-deviant hybrid, as the team plays for both their playoff lives, and ever having been born IRL.
“Is that even allowed?” asked the Raptors’ GM, Masai Urjiri, as he thumbed through the NBA rulebook looking for guidance on the eligibility of previously unlisted immortal beings for positional play midway through a series. “It’s bad enough they’ve renamed our team the Lebronto Raptors. Now we’re going to be the disposable role player in an Avengers sequel? Without getting any cut of the box office or merchandise? What is this league even coming to?”
Thanos, who is looking for a seventh stone to add to his championship gauntlet, is widely believed to be the most agile big man of the modern era, and – unlike Shaq – has successfully parlayed that on-the-court dominance into Hollywood stardom.
“I’m just going to stick to the basics,” said Thanos, reached for comment while shooting free drones on his space ship, Sanctuary II, and casually plotting the end of civilization.
“Working the pick and destroys, only taking shots I know I can alter afterwards, and just generally bending reality to suit my wishes. It should be a good game, and I think it’s safe to say that by the end of it Toronto will wish they’d never been franchised.”
While not making himself available for press interviews, Raptor’s star DeMar DeRozan was intercepted making his way through Pearson airport late Sunday. Declining to comment directly on the worrying development for his team, DeRozan did leave a simple three word statement of hope behind in Toronto, as he boarded the team plane for Cleveland.
“I am Groot.”